Saturday, December 27, 2014

Funny Things Christians Do

Jon Acuff wrote a book awhile back called "Stuff Christians Like."  It was not a mockery of the faith by any means, as Acuff himself is a Christian.  It's just a dig at some of the silly things Christians like to do sometimes.  The Christians reading may act offended, but deep down, they know it's all true.  And it's funny.  The best way to gauge how mature you are is how easy it is for you to laugh at yourself.

All this to say that that book is where I got the idea to do this post.  A couple of the subjects I bring up here are things he talked about, but I talk about them in my own way, so that makes it not plagiarism, right?

-Being slain in the Spirit...but not really

Being slain in the Spirit is considered the ultimate way to prove that you're spiritual.  Consequently, if you don't get slain at the "appropriate time," you figure that you must not be a very good Christian.  So, you have two options now:  You could just sit there and look like an idiot and let everyone know you're not as spiritual as them, or you can fake an overwhelming emotion that you're not actually feeling.  Because manipulating yourself into feeling fake warm-and-fuzzy feelings is what Jesus would want, right?

-Cursing to be "real" with non-Christians

Sometimes, trusting God to help you reach out to a non-believer just isn't enough, at least for some people.  So, they will sometimes deem it necessary to curse when they're talking to them in order to make them understand that Christians are "just like them" and "we get where they're coming from."  Also, it makes us sound edgy, which is pretty damn empowering.  Am I right?  (Just a joke to make the point, people!  Seriously, I can hear everyone now.  "Ooh!  Christian blogger boy said the D-word!!!!")

-Also, cursing, but not cursing

Christians technically aren't supposed to curse, I think, because it's not "becoming."  So, what do we do in situations where we feel like cursing, but our conscience forbids it?  Just say substitutes.  It's like "Napoleon Dynamite."  Never actually curse, but use their similar-sounding counterparts (heck, darn, freaking) as often as you like.  Sure, everybody listening knows what you mean, but at least you're not cursing, right?

-Watching R-rated movies...but only when violence is the main content issue

R-rated movies are a big no-no among a big chunk of Christians.  But at some point somebody must have said, "Hey, wait a minute.  Wasn't the Old Testament super violent?  That must make violent movies okay for us!"  But I think every Christian can still agree that sex/nudity is still off limits.  In other words, movies like "American Pie" or "The Wolf of Wall Street" are still sinful, but movies like "Braveheart" and "300" are A-OK for Christians.  Nipples bad, splattering organs good.

-Our attitudes toward "Christian" content

There are two kinds of Christians when it comes to "Christian" content, whether it be Christian music, movies, or books.  There are the Christians that feel the need to support everything that has a Christian label on it, regardless of whether it's any good or not.  Then there are the ones trying really hard not to pay attention to Christian content to prove that they are still keeping up with what's popular, and constantly slam all Christian content as being bad quality.  (I wonder which kind are reading this "Christian" blog right now?)  Actually, there is a third kind.  There's the kind that listens to both kinds of music.  Just whatever they think sounds good.  I like to call them "normal people."

-Having the debate about whether a band is "Christian" or not (a.k.a. The Switchfoot Effect)

Christians seem to feel obligated to have this debate all the time.  Some bands are known as Christian bands, but sometimes it's hard to know whether they're talking about God or a significant other.  So, the debate rages on because apparently it's against the rules for a Christian artist to sing about anything in the human experience other than "Oh, I'm a Christian, and Jesus is my Savior.  I'm gonna say that 16 more times!"

-Guilt trip

Basically, if you don't contribute something to our mission, you're a terrible Christian.  There's this Christian concert called "Winter Jam" where you can see a load of Christian artists for only $10 total.  But the catch is you'll have to listen to their speaker say that that's actually an unfair price, so you should make up for it by donating to them.  (For more on this phenomenon, watch the new Christian satire film, "Believe Me.")

And I hope nobody is offended by this post.  They shouldn't be really.  You know the old saying right?  "If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at other people."  Wait a minute...

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