Saturday, August 30, 2014

My Demons

Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I am not a perfect person.  I deal with my own personal demons just like every other person on Earth.  To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing about this.  Maybe it'll just be good to get some stuff off my chest.  Obviously, there are too many demons to list them all here, so I'll just go with a few of the big ones.


Yes, I am a ridiculously insecure person, and I really mean ridiculous.  I'm always worried about what others think of me, which is common, but I take it to different levels.  I'm always afraid of being left out or not having my company enjoyed.  Those are two of my biggest fears.  Like, even if people in a certain group straight up tell me they like having me around, I still second guess them and have my doubts.  Honestly, I sometimes wonder whether I would want me around if I were somebody else.  I think my problem is that I just want everyone to be my friend, and it's frustrating that I can't be with every group at once.  Really, my biggest fear is to be left out of the loop.


I have had some serious anger issues in my life.  I may seem calm and collected some of the time, but I can have one heck of a temper at times.  Anyone who was in school with me in grades 6-8 would tell you that I could just lash out at the drop of a hat.  I like to think those issues have become slightly better recently, but I still struggle.  Just ask my family.


If you have ever seen Star Wars, you probably knew that this one would be coming up next.  Yes, I have harbored hatred toward many people that I am still struggling to let go.  Grudges are funny with me.  I can either let things go instantly, or hold on to it for ridiculous amounts of time.  It really just depends.  I fail to often to love other people in the way I'm called to by God.  It's something I wish I could fix.


Probably one of my biggest issues I've been dealing with lately is depression.  The littlest things seem to set it off, too.  I often feel rejected by my peers which is the most common cause of this.  Sometimes, I seriously wonder if it would matter to people if I wasn't here.  I'm not 100% positive, but I believe I may have bipolar disorder.  I hate being bipolar.  It's awesome.  (Just a joke to break the heaviness.)  It gets to the point where I have to straight plead with people to tell me whether I matter to them.  Even when they say yes, it doesn't always fix the problem.  

Conclusion:  Why am I telling you all this?  I don't know.  Maybe, I just wanted to finally expose you to the me I always try to hide.  And if anyone with similar experiences reads this and relates to it, it's all worth it.

But I don't want to end on such a sad note.  There is hope.  Between my starting and my publishing this post, I had the chance to attend Confession, as well as Adoration.  I was reminded that even if I do feel rejected by everyone else, God won't.  And He will love me in spite of everything I've done and felt.

Exorcising these demons will not be an easy thing to do, but, hopefully, with God's help, I will eventually be able to break free and be the man I was made to be.